friendstrieniene, this is in response to your beautiful blog, but it has become a fullblown blog of it's own, so I am going to post it, to keep from taking up your whole page. I cannot believe you were so knowledgeable and wise at such a young age, except that you told me, and I believe you. In saying I cannot believe it, I mean to say, I am amazed by you, as usual.
Thank you so much for sharing another tidbit of your life with us, so we can get to know you even better. You are the complete opposite of me in most ways.
This is how my life went, compared to yours. You felt lonely all of your life because you felt superior and that no one was noticing. I felt lonely all of my life as well, because I did not feel I was good enough. I went to church camps with other young people, and the bed would be full of clothes that I had just bought but now cast off becuase I felt fat and ugly next to the other beautiful girls who had nice clothes. In school, I was different because of my religion and could not fit in with their stories because we did not do any of the things they did, such as go to movies, mixbathe (swim with members of the opposite sex) dance or party in the way they spoke about. Instead I only had stories of another church service or special speaker, which I actually liked, but that they would never understand.
I loved beautiful girls, because I thought I was ugly, and admired their bodies. This also made me feel alienated and that they would suspect if I got too close. Yet, everyone around me thought I was beautiful and vivacious, with a bubbly, outgoing personality, and I was never actually overweight until after I had my children.
Women felt threatened by me, because their husbands seemed to flock toward me and stare, especially when I opened my mouth to sing, or laugh. When I sang, I would look one straight in the eye and sing, as tho they were the only one in the room, and I had this effect on men as well, and do until this day. I have the ability to make one feel as tho he were the only one in my world and that all my interest is in and for him, and let those around us think as they may.
I had one lady call to me from across a room one time to leave her husband alone, altho we had never met or spoken. It was he that was looking at me, and that is one thing I did know, appreciate and build on; men have always been attracted to me. So this is where I built up my self esteem, and who cared if women hated and felt threatened by me?
I lived only for the relationship I was working on at the time. Therefore, I longed for the companionship of girls, but ended up never having any, unless they, too, were of a sexual nature. I related everything to my sexuality because that is where I felt fulfilled, so it was nothing unusual to give sex away to friends.
Triniene, I have also slept with a few men in my time, altho from the world's standared, it has not been so many; I hope that I have learned a little something from them over the years. I have learned that some can be cruel and insensitive, while others can be soft and loving. I have learned that some men are completely selfish, and only grab what they can from life and then discard it. I have learned that some people only want you around to be the life of the party and make things fun for them. Yet others want you there just to confide in, to tell them what they need to hear and then to go on your way.
Overall, I have learned a lot, but mostly, I have learned to shrug off the bad, altho my heart seems to break into a thousand pieces sometimes and I am still learning to take it from whom it comes and not to take it personally.
However, I never felt wise and that I had a whole lot to offer, until later in life. I did know I could sing, however, and play the piano well enough to accompany myself, and was in demand everywhere I went, which was in church circles of course. I sang my heart out, wrote songs, and used my personality to its fullest extent to get the attention I craved, but that was because I was insecure in myself. I only know now that I have a lot to give and it does not matter what people think in the long run, as long as I am doing what is right for me.
Triniene, you say you grew from a timid and scared young woman, into a strong and individualistic grown one, with a lot to give. And you are so right. You are one of the most amazing women I have ever encountered and I hope that I can be a fraction as confident in myself as you are.
However, I do know some things about myself; the world can put this in their individual pipes and smoke it. I have an open and honest heart. It is sometimes too open and vulnerable and I tell too much, and therefore, get hurt more often than not. But I still believe in honesty in this dishonest world and I have decided to be completely honest with myself and others since coming to mindsay. There are people who have ridiculed me for it, but so be it. I have always wanted to tell the world what has been on the inside of me, but always had to suffer in silence, for fear of rejection. Now, who cares? If I am rejected by you, you do not matter. It is myself and God I have to please and there will be those along the way who appreciate me for who and what I am, and others who will accuse, ridicule and even call me a fake, but you may believe as you please, just as I will discard what you say as I do.
I still have the ability to be a good listener, to feel out the hearts of others, and to offer a vestige of hope, for having been a sympathetic listener, and understanding them. This is perhaps because I have looked for love and understanding my whole life and am only starting to experience it for myself now. I am trying out the serenity prayer's methods. I am accepting that I am not perfect and that some things cannot change, but am working on that which can.
Triniene, you say you have always been strong, and your strength was in knowing that. I am learning and evolving into a strong woman from knowing you. You say that some people bring your loneliness relief, while others cause it to go deeper; well, I hope I have relieved you some, as you have been an inspiration in my life. Your views on the universe and the creator, of good and evil, and your insight into so many things, have allowed me to open up to myself and my feelings, as a flower opening it's face to the warm glow of the sun. I see I am part of God, even as he is a part of me; since he and all he is, is love, then I am a part of his love. I cannot move that he has not known it before, and I can trust him to turn me to the right path, for I am in His will, and will ultimately come to my fullest potential thru him and his patience with me. I can grieve and have regrets for the past, but also realize that all things were leading me, as you said your past has led you, to this place in time, teaching me the lessons that I now have to put to good use.
Thank you for your post, my friend and for inspiring me to open up in this manner. I love you.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I have to use it to its fullest potential. Therefore, Triniene, I will say I love you, my friend, and to all I come in contact with, I hope to add something to the lives I cross paths with, just as my mindsay friends have added volumes to my life in the two months I have been here in your world.
